Jealousy

I have no idea why I am acting like a kid and getting jealous over nothing. He's not even mine in the first place. The pain was so overwhelming that it felt like a part of me had been viciously robbed away in front of my eyes. There's nothing I can do except to watch my heart get stabbed and bleed profusely. I felt so helpless and betrayed. The feeling was nostalgic. The pain didn't hurt, what hurt more was the heartache that called upon me eventually. I had experienced the same thing before. It must be love but an unrequited one. I feel like a pathetic loser trying hard to stay positive and motivated but all you did was to crush my hope without lifting a finger. What have I done to deserve this? Life is unfair. Time is running out for me. I don't know how much longer will there be before I get released. Thank you for giving me a dream and to crush it later on. I'm happy that I don't have to think about you anymore.

Currently

I'm sitting on my bed in my quiet room trying to get back into blogging. Its been almost 4 years since I last blogged. I haven't got much to say except that I've grown older but not exactly any wiser. I still haven't gotten any credit to my name except that my bank account's richer by a few thousand dollars which I could easily splurge in a week. Pathetic, I would say.

I'm not sad. It's just that when times get bad but everyone else around you seems to be doing greater than ever, you start to fall back and rethink about your life, whether you are living it the right way. That's when reality hits back plunging you into a state of self-pity. You start to realize that even if you work hard, you'd never get enough. Even if you regret, there's no turning back.

Well, life hasn't been all that bad, there are some good times. Like now, I feel so blessed to have my family around me. They may not be the best that one can get but they never left me alone. I learnt to appreciate them more. I think just love being around them.

I still cry at night alone. I still get angry over the slighest things. I probably got more haters now than ever. I'm such a hard nut to crack. Sometimes I just wish I could format my brain and forget about my anxiety and fears, something that's been accompanying me to bed every night. I wish I could forget what being angry was all about.

I still have a soft spot for animals. In fact, things may have taken for the worst now that the soft spot has become a phobia. I can't bear to hear or read anything to do with animals as its bound to be something bad. I wonder if all that time in the zoo had done me any good or bad.

Did I mention we have a new addition to the family. Before your mind start to wander, no one in the family got married or gave birth. We do have a new dog, a silky terrier named Pocky. I guess I need not explain about the name. She's 3 and will be turning 4 in March next year. I feel blessed with what I have right now. It may not be the best time in this wrecked life of mine, but the good times will eventually come. I believe, that's why I'm living.

Purpose of Life

I need to fall asleep desperately, but my mind keeps resisting. I'm not supposed to end my day yet, but its 2 in the morning. Had a brief chat with van today about dreams and aspirations. I don't know what am I living for. Nearly hitting my thirties, I still have not found my purpose of life. Its scary how time flies. Seems like only yesterday when I was crying and ranting about how life had mistreated me. Blink of an eye, a decade had gone by. Everyone has grown up and created a life of their own. So why am I still stuck here, in the same room and staring at the same ceiling like I did some 10 years ago.

What's Next

I have not been writing. I have been so afraid to write and my life's starting to feel like a blank page. It was a completely innocent agenda which I feel like I'm starting to lose it now. I am scared because I don't know what to write anymore. I am like a fresh piece of white paper waiting to be scribbled on, only to find that thoughts just won't flow. I tried desperately to erase the past and to embrace a new life, only to realise that I'll never be able to get over it. All that's left of me is an empty baggage, wondering where to head next.

Happiness

I have been wanting too much out of life that I never got to satisfy my desire. People are happy for whatsoever reasons. Everyone is happy and I start questioning them about their happiness. Perhaps, I wished I could be as happy as them. Happiness. It's your thoughts and your perception of life. It's definitely not mine. My life. It's vaguely hidden behind a mask, a not supposed to be revealed mask. I want to know what people think of me. Maybe I already knew. Perhaps, I am looking for a better answer. Life's written in a way such that we always try to make it the best autobiography written so far. There are a thousand million lives in this world and of how many are written in the most fascinating way?